i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
