"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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