now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
