It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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