did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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