i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
