sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
