just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
