Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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