just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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