I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
