Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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