how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
