I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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