Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i will never coherently bang her
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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