go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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