i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize