The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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