dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
