my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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