So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
