ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize