My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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