So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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