I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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