I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just puked most of my soul out..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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