im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
