Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
