I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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