see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize