This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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