just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
