he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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