hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
