I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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