My sheets look like a crime scene.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
