When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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