haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize