I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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