So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
