theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize