I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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