I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
