My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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