I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
