Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
