HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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