i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
