I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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