How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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