the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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