Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
