so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
