I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
