did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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