woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
