I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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