So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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